Ask an Anime Villain-Freeza
by Venka le fay
Summary: Lord Freeza is the undisputed first special guest on the Newest talk show, Ask an Anime Villain.


This is a fan based parody, DragonBall, DragonBall Z, DragonBall names and distinctive likenesses thereof are trademarks of TOEI ANIMATION, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.

**The idiotic caller is based off Lucky Bob from Hysteria

**Intro**: Welcome to "Ask an Anime Villain" brought to you by "Godzilla Freezer puffs". If it isn't Godzilla, your eating air. Also brought to you by "Forgotten Realm" The RPG where you actually forget who you are.

**Announcer:** Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, morons and otaku of all...

**Frieza:** Shut up and get on with it!

**Announcer**:Yes... well put your hands together for this weeks villain. You know him as the evil warlord who destroyed the Planet Vegeta. The mighty destroyer who put the Sayian Race of the verge of extinction. The youngest son of the mighty King Cold, I bring to you...

(Frieza walks on stage.)

**Frieza:** I personally don't need an introduction. But for the sake of the idiots,-which is every single one of you- and since I love talking about myself. I'm Lord Frieza, the greatest being in the universe.

**Announcer:** So Frieza what brings you here today?

**Frieza:** My plans don't concern you. However since you asked I came to this planet to destroy it. There is a certain Saiyen I wish I had killed when I had the chance and I want to see him on his knees begging me to kill him by the time I'm done destroying his loved ones, one after another.

**Announcer:** Okay, sorry I asked... Alright viewers we will start the questions, remember if you have a question for Frieza...

**Frieza:** Lord Frieza!

**Announcer:** Lord Frieza... Please call our toll free number at 324-2433. It seems we have our first caller, hello caller you're on the air.

**Wrong Number**: Uh yeah...I'd like a large Ham and pineapple pizza, and two medium sausage pizzas...a personal with anchovies and pesto and 24 cans of root beer.

**Announcer:** I'm sorry caller, but you have the wrong number.

**Wrong Number:** What? Isn't 324-2433 the number for Pizza Otaku.

**Announcer:** Yes it was, but Pizza Otaku is out of business were a TV studio now. Do you have a question for Lord Frieza?

**Wrong Number:** Who the F is Lord Frieza?

**Frieza:** Who the F is Frieza?! Tell me, just who are you, and where do you live?

**Wrong Number**: This is Goku...

**Frieza**: I will hunt you down and slaughter everything you hold dear, you damn monkey!

**Goku**: Oh hey, you're that guy I met on Namik. Good to see you made it off the planet safely.

**Announcer:** Oh, uh...how about the next caller. Next caller you are on the air.

**Caller 1**: Do you like fruit? Specifically fresh yummy oranges?

**Frieza**: NO! I DISPISE FRUIT, ESPECALLY FRESH YUMMY ORANGES! I PREFER NICE FRESH MEAT THAT IS SO FRESH IT'S STILL BLEEDING.

**Announcer**: Sorry caller, I don't think that was a question that should have been asked at this time. Next caller, you're on the air.

**Annoying caller**: How many thumb tacks do you have up your rear end?

**Frieza**: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds it's the most moronic one I've heard this show. Now bring up the next caller or I will blow you up like that stupid bald guy back on Namik.

**Announcer**: (gulp) Right away -(under breath) First day on the job and already I'm receiving death threats. They don't pay me enough for this.- Okay caller, you're on the air.

**Caller 2**: How do you pretend to like your enemies?

**Frieza:** Pretend to what? Why the hell would I pretend to like my enemies?

**Caller 2**: A wise man once said "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."

**Frieza:** That is the stupidest line I ever heard! What kind of idiotic saying is that?

**Announcer:** You mean you never saw The Godfather?

**Frieza**: Who? God's Father?

**Announcer**: It's an award winning movie.

**Frieza**: Must of won the Razzies, like what Dragonball: Evolution should get since I wasn't in it.

**Caller 2**: I actually liked Dragonball: Evolution.

**Frieza**: Your mother sucks (BLEEP) in Hell!

**Announcer**: That's from The Exorcist, right?

**Frieza:** Shut up!

**Announcer**: Let's just go to the next caller shall we? Hello caller, you're on the air.

**Valley Girl**: Like am I on the air?

**Announcer**: Yes you're on the air.

**Valley Girl:** Oh my god, I'm like totally on the air.

**Announcer:** (getting annoyed)Yes... You are on the air.

**Valley Girl:** Sally, Michelle I'm like totally on the air.

**Frieza:** We have established you're on the air! Now ask whatever moronic question your pea sized brain has thought up, or go away! The sound of your voice makes me want to destroy this planet all the more.

**Announcer:** (Sigh) Do you have a question for Lord Freiza?

**Valley Girl:** Like I totally do. Have you like looked at yourself in the mirror? Because you like look like you need an extreme make over.

**Frieza**: (Barely containing rage)Tell me, where do you live?

**Valley Girl:** Oh, I live in, like, California.

**Frieza:** Which city.

**Valley Girl:** I totally live in **** **** at *** ******* Street.

**Frieza:** Thanks. (Fires blast into air that smashes through wall)

**Valley Girl:** Hey, I totally hear a ringing in the-OH MY GOD! (Explosion)

**Frieza:** Get someone else to suffer this crap.

**Announcer:** Um... lets just get to the next caller shall we?

**Annoying caller:** How many thumb tacks do you have up your ass?

**Frieza:** Don't you have people to screen these kind of calls?

**Announcer:** No we don't have the budget for that.

**Frieza:** (Angry) I've already said I will not answer your idiotic question! Do you need me to demonstrate what I can do to you if I find you?!

**Announcer:** There is no need to threaten and kill the audience and callers. There's too many as it is.

**Frieza:** You mean questions like this are the only thing people are going to ask me?

**Announcer:** Pretty much.

**Frieza**: No interest in ways I became the most powerful being in the universe or how I began my conquest to destroy the Universe.

**Announcer**: Yes. There is no one on this planet who is smarter then you Lord Friza. Certainly such nimble questions would cause our brains to explode.

**Frieza:** Well...you...I... Oh NEVER MIND, JUST GET THE NEXT (Bleep) IDIOTIC CALLER!

**Caller 3**: Yo Frieza! Mr. Sayian killer! How ya doing? Um anyways I have a question to ask you. I've been hearing a lot of people say your involved in a kind of homosexual relationship with Captain Genyu. Is this true? Or is this all a bunch of lies?

**Frieza:** ... WHAT?! I DON'T KNOW WHO TOLD YOU THAT INFORMATION, BUT IT'S ALL LIES! SLANDER AND LIES!

**Caller 3**: That's not what Goku told me.

**Frieza**: GOKU...YOU MEAN THAT MONKEY BRAINED SAIYAN WHO MANAGED TO ACCIDENTALLY DEFEAT ME ON NAMIK?!

**Caller 3**: Vegeta told me you had it on with Zarbon as well.

**Frieza**: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THE SO CALLED PRINCE OF THE SAYIAN'S WAS BEHIND THIS! ONE NIGHT AND NOW EVERYONE THINKS I'M GAY!

**Caller 3**: OH HO! So you do admit there was a sexual relationship between you and Zarbon, and you were quick to deny anything with Ginyu. How interesting!

**Frieza:** Maybe I should tell you all about the threesome Vegeta had with Nappa and Raditz.

Announcer: Vegeta and Raditz I can believe but Vegeta and Nappa...eewww that is too horrible to even think about. Now you want us to think about the three of them together. (Makes a gagging noise)

**Frieza:** For your information Zarbon was the one who was having the homosexual relationship with captain Ginyu. I believe I have heard there was once a orgy between Zarbon, Dodoria, Captain Ginyu, and Jeice.

**Announcer**: (Vomiting sound.)

**Caller 3**: Second thought sorry I asked.

**Announcer:** Next caller, please next caller.

**Idiotic Caller**: Uh...Hello.

**Announcer**: Hello caller, you're on the air.

**Idiotic caller:** Duh...Am I on the air?

**Announcer:** Yes, your on the air.

**Idiotic Caller:** Am I on the air?

**Announcer:** (Sighs in annoyance) Yes, you are on the air? Do you have a question?

**Idiotic caller:** You are correct sir.

**Announcer:** So...what is your question?

**Idiotic caller:** ...Duh...Am I on the air?

**Announcer:** Not anymore. Next caller you're on the air.

**Caller 4:** Am I on the air?

**Announcer:** No! Next caller you're on the air.

**Caller 5:** Did you have any sexual fantasies about Vagita?

**Frieza:** NO! WILL YOU PERVERTS STOP READING YAOI FANFICS! GET THIS STRAIGHT PEOPLE! I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH VAGITA! I DID NOT RAPE VAGITA! I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE SEXUAL FANTASIES ABOUT VAGITA. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO REALLY CAUSED Vegeta ANY TRAMA IT WOULD BE ZARBON!

**Announcer:** Uh erm...(clears throat) uh Next caller you're on the air.

**Annoying Caller**: How many thumb tacks do you have up your rear end?

**Frieza:** YOU AGAIN! WILL YOU STOP ASKING ME THAT!? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO THUMB TACKS UP MY REAR END! DO YOU HEAR ME?! THERE ARE NO THUMB TACKS UP MY REAR END! THERE NEVER WAS AND THERE NEVER WILL BE! NEXT CALLER!

**Drunk caller:** (Drunk laughter) Sorry wrong number (Drunk laughter)...ey you got any more tequilas...totally screwed up man...yeah, but dude you sound like really cute...you want to go out sometime...?

**Frieza:** Oh my God...

**Drunk caller:** Interested, mate?

**Frieza:** No, it's just that I never wanted to blow up this planet filled with idiotic monkeys more than ever!

**Announcer:** On to our next caller?

**Annoying Caller:** How many thumb tacks do you have up your rear end?

**Frieza:** GAH! WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH THIS QUESTION?! ALL RIGHT IF IT WILL GET YOU TO STOP I HAVE 1133 THUMB-TACKS UP MY REAR END, I USED TO HAVE 42432 BUT I CRAPPED OUT 12 OF THEM! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!

**Announcer:** Um how do you get 1133 by subtracting 12 from 42432?

**Frieza:** NEVER MIND THAT! I ANSWERED THIS CALLERS MONKEY BRAINED QUESTION! I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN HOW I HAVE THE ANSWER I HAVE!

**Announcer:** Um right...okay on to our next caller?

**Stoner:** Dude... your sister is like totally hot...

**Announcer:** Um caller...your on the air...

**Stoner:** Whoa dude...I must be like dead or something, my disembodied voice is like on television...

**Announcer:** Your not dead...your actually calling the studio...

**Stoner:** Dude! That guy just like talked to me? And what the hell is that monster thing supposed to be? Are they wearing a costume or something?

**Frieza**: MONSTER THING?! COSTUME!?

**Announcer**: Um caller your running out of time? Is one of those the questions you wish to ask Lord Frieza?

**Stoner**: Oh man, are like supposed to be a dude or a really butt-ugly chick? Because your look like a dude but you wear lipstick and look like you have boobs.

**Frieza:** I AM LORD FRIEZA! HOW DARE YOU SAY I LOOK LIKE A WOMAN! I SHOULD DESTROY THIS PLANET RIGHT NOW, STARTING WITH YOU!

**Annoucer**: Sorry caller, you ran out of time. Our shows almost over so we should be getting to our final callers now...hello caller you're on the air.

**Caller 6**: Yeah. I'm ThisisSparta! and I'm wondering what kind of shampoo the villains use.

**Frieza:** Why in the universe would I use Shampoo in the first place. I'm bald! However if I did use shampoo I would use "Evil and Popular". It makes your hair so lustrously evil.

**Caller 7:** Yeah...Um Lord Friza! I have a question! I want to know...I want you to tell me how I can be the greatest being in the universe. And I mean...I mean better then you.

**Frieza**: Finally! Finally we get an ambitious question! I don't support the fact this caller wants to be better then me, because there is obviously no way I would allow anyone who's better then me to exist. But I like her ambition so I'll quote from my popular self-help book, "Seven Rules for highly effective Warlords."

1. There is no such thing as friends, they slow you down and their not worth your time.

2. Henchmen are good to use because they do all the work while you get the credit. The more henchmen you have the more planets your going to control.

3. Everyone is expendable. Even your most valuable high ranking henchmen, should be destroyed as soon as possible.

4. Suspect everyone of mutiny. First sign of insubordination, be prepared to kill.

5. Destroy or enslave as many planets as fast as you can. The more planets your have under your thumb the stronger your empire.

6. Take no prisoners. Kill everyone.

and lastly.

show your enemy your full power right off, anything that requires your full power should be a worthy challenge that deserves to witness your most devastating attacks.

**Announcer**: Thank you Lord Frieza, and remember his book "7 Rules for Highly Effective Warlords" can be bought in your local half-price...I mean Borders Books.

**Frieza:** (Angry) What was that about half-price books?!

**Announcer:** You misheard me, Lord Frieza. I meant to say it's currently on sale for half price at Barns and Noble because it's on the best sellers shelf!

**Frieza:** (Angry) It better be!

**Announcer:** Next callers...you are on the air.

**Caller 8:** O.k., so I'm writing this HUGE crossover fanfic and I want your opinion on it so far. The story starts off on Planet Namek, where you're fighting SS7 Goku in an epic battle. Then, a tear in the space/time continuum transports the Gurren Lagann, Pikachu, and Kenshiro to the planet. Suddenly, Sephiroth swoops down from a Gundam that he hijacked while he was fighting the Gurren Lagann and aids you, Freeza, in the fight. So...what do you think?"

**Frieza:** Needs more hentai. And if you add in Galaxia from Sailor Moon, it'll be all good. She was pretty nice! ^_^ Also when is this fic coming out, I am interested in reading it. I want to know if I win.

**Caller 8:** What's it like getting your butt kicked by heroes all the time?

**Frieza**: What is it with this damn question?! I beat them more than they beat me! I'm the strongest in the-well, how would you like to see having your ass handed to you!?

**Caller 9:** If a train leaves Miami at 8 AM and reaches its stop speed of 120 Miles Per Hour in Five Minutes and travels along the exact same track as a train headed in the opposite direction that leaves Seattle at 12 Noon reaches its top speed of 150 Miles Per Hour in Ten Minutes, and the distance between the two is 2730 miles, how long will it be till they crash and how far from each station will they be when they do?

**Frieza:** I don't really care when it happens, but I will certainly be entertained when it does happen.

**Caller 10:** Why is your head purple?

**Frieza:** My...head purple!? It's not purple, you blithering idiot! That's only a really tight hat my father gave me as a child! I've just never been able to get it off!

**Announcer:** Moving on...hello you are our final caller.

**Annoying caller:** How many thumb tacks do you have up your rear end?

**Frieza:** (SEATHING IN RAGE)...THAT DOES IT! SCREW THAT STUPID SAYIAN! I'M DESTROYING THIS PLANET NOW!

(Massive explosions and people screaming)

**Announcer:** Uh... tune in next week for Ask An Anime Villain.-If we're still around...-


End file.
